Cancer Part 2: The Chemo Tal

Gather around and let me tell you all the wonderful things I learned about chemo. After my surgery to remove the majority of my colon, it was unsure if I needed chemo. There were pathology tests that had to done on the 43 irritated lymph nodes that were removed around the tumors. It was a few weeks wait and the tests came back. Everyone was unsure what to do. The short version of the story is that they both did and did not find cancer cells. This is when my case was described as “complicated” and an “anomaly”. Those are not the words you want doctors to use when explaining your situation. While my surgeon waited to take my case to a board of experts to get their opinion, I lived through one of the more confusing and stressful 10 days of my life.

It started with learning that though my cancer is classified as high-risk stage 2, because of the gene mutation I have that caused the cancer I would need the more aggressive chemo for people with stage 3. I couldn’t get in to see an oncologist* right away to talk and talk and talk their ear off and learn all I could learn about chemo. Which meant I was left in the dark for a while. For me, a young woman with an over active imagination this was pure torture. I had no idea what I was in for, if I was going to puke all the time, if my hair was going to fall out, how much pain I would be in, if I was going to look sick and weak…all of this I could manage but the not knowing I couldn’t deal with.

Before I got into to see an oncologist I first spoke with a fertility doctor. This is actually where most the stress and terror is centered. Hey did you know that chemo kills your eggs? Cus’ it sure does. You could be a 28-year-old woman and go through menopause during chemo. That’s a thing…that happens. The type of cancer I have is so rare in women under 50 they really didn’t have any stats on how the type of chemo I would need would affect my fertility but did a rough guess that I had a 30% chance of going through menopause, again at 28. That information freaked me out. It didn’t freak me out as much as the option of freezing my eggs.

I never really wanted to be pregnant; the option of adoption and fostering always seemed like the path for me. Now all of a sudden I had people telling me “you might change you’re mind and you would want the option.” Or try to predict my future by making me imagine being with a man who wants to have children and I can’t because I didn’t freeze my eggs. I don’t even have a boyfriend and all of a sudden I have this massive rift in my hypothetical relationship in the future.  I got a lot of opinions from a lot of people who wanted me to predict what 35-year-old Shelby would want. They also wanted me to predict what my maybe boyfriend would want. Making me feel like I don’t know myself. On top of that freezing eggs is expensive. The Canadian government does cover fertility treatment for cancer patients, but the cost of prescription drugs is still $5000. 5G’s for if future Shelby changes her mind. Not only that but I might spend all that money and try to get pregnant with one of those frozen wonders and some don’t survive, then they might not take. Even if one does take then they would be able to test the embryo for Lynch Syndrome which is the genetic mutation that gave me cancer. So do I go through with it knowing I could give another life an 80% chance of getting cancer?  Future Shelby WHAT WILL YOU DO?!?!? Tell me now for the love of God please tell me! Then, again, what if I don’t freeze them? What trials will future Shelby have to endure? Maybe I would get that sudden urge to have children and be heart broken that the option is no longer on the table. This is where I consider myself incredibly lucky. I know I don’t want to give birth so this fertility talk isn’t so heavy on me. Though when I was talking to the doctor my heart sunk into my stomach for the women in their 20s who have always wanted children and needed chemo. How hard this fertility talk would be for them. I hope they all carry strength and have a great team around them because this information alone could keep a woman in bed for weeks. If you are a woman who had to have this talk just know you are part of a large group of women and if you ever want to share your story you’ll be surprised how many people will open their arms to you.

Back to future Shelby’s situation: what if I do find a man who feels very strong about having his own children and me unable to have a biological child is a deal breaker? Then fuck that guy, I wouldn’t be able to show him the door fast enough. If a man doesn’t want me because I can’t have children due to the fact I had cancer THEN BYE FELICIA! Or what if he’s fine with me having a donor egg and use his sperm because again he will only raise his own children, his ego is that big it needs an offspring. Then again, he’s not the man for me. I hope to be with a guy who shares my vision of adopting and fostering. How great it would be to help a child in need rather than raise one from birth. I already have a hard enough time with sleep, I don’t need to add a baby into the equation. Isn’t it funny how a story about chemo can so easily turn into a dating profile?

With all this information in mind I decided to not freeze my eggs. It was not a popular choice in my family, but my body is nobody’s body but mine. I figure if do change my mind about the pregnancy thing then I’m mentally prepared in knowing its very unlikely to happen. Which again, I’m lucky I would know. Some couples try and try to conceive and are unable to and don’t know why. If I don’t get pregnant I know why and I would have years of preparing myself for that.

I did finally meet with an oncologist who also informed me of the possibility of menopause. He also told me I most likely won’t lose my hair but might have minor nerve damage in my fingers and toes. The treatment would be once every two weeks for 6 months and that some people are still able to work while having chemo. All of this eased my mind and I knew without a doubt I could handle it.

In the end it turned out I don’t need chemo. I can guarantee this experience did give me a few fresh grey hairs.

* for those who don’t know an oncologist is a doctor who specializes in chemo